On taking on another child

So once again, I have failed to live up to my revised blogging goal of once a month (down from the initial once a week goal in August, when I dipped my toe into the world of the blog). It has been over two months since I wrote a proper post. A lot has changed.

For one thing, the semester ended at the beginning of December, and exams were over by mid month. Along with all school-related stress, for a few weeks, at least. However, nature abhors a vacuum, and the car required a new radiator, which came with a $700 price tag. Gulp. Thank goodness for VISA.

As well, I acquired a new housemate in December, which brings with it a host of adjustments. So far, so good, but I struggle daily with control issues. And I still feel like a single parent.

We had his son with us for much of the holidays, which was both delightful AND exhausting. Our boys are 3 months apart in age, yet a year apart in the school system, so it's almost like twins... and I felt like a single parent to two demanding boys, one of whom I hardly know.

Just recently, his son declared to his mother (they live in Kelowna, 4 to 5 hours away through high mountain passes) that he wants to live with us. Although this is delightfully exciting to my fella, I am only looking forward to the end of the Family Maintenance hassle of regularly reduced pay-cheques. I don't know that I can gracefully cope with taking on the lion's share of caring for another 6 year old. Who will be the one to get them both off to school/daycare in the mornings? Who will be the one to struggle to make the grocery budget stretch to feed another mouth? (This kid eats like a teenage boy already!) Not to mention sussing out his food likes and dislikes. Who will chauffeur them around to school and extra curricular activities and playdates (Fiance doesn't have a driver's license)? Who will be the one to put them to bed every night, read stories, do homework with them, etc.? I have a sneaking suspicion the answer to all of the above is li'l ol' me. Sigh. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

I have a confession. I do not love the boy. And this makes perfect sense - I hardly know the boy. Unlike my own child, I have not carried him in my own body, I have not suckled him at my breast, I have not helped him through all the many 'firsts' of the baby and toddler years. In the past year, I have seen him a total of 5 times. Two of them were extended visits, but the other three were short, a single overnight visit when his folks were in town visiting and wanted free childcare to go out partying. But despite this understanding, I feel guilty for not loving him. I am fond of him, and I kiss and cuddle him, but when we have power struggles, that affection goes out the window. So I feel guilty, like I am a faulty mother. Send me back to the factory, there's an error with my feminine mystique!

I want assurances from my fiance that he will take on an equal share of the child-rearing tasks if his son is to come and live with us. He says he is willing, but, as with the housework and food preparation tasks, willingness may not be translated into action. I am silently resentful about the amount of unpaid household labour I preform, and I am unwilling to feel this way about his kid - it wouldn't be fair to the boy to be raised by someone who resented doing so.

So I wait, and worry. None of this will come to pass for months. The legal child custody agreement will have to be changed, which involves lawyers and legalese and the filing of documents. Will we need to go to court? I have no idea, as I have de facto custody of my own child, and all arrangements for child support are made privately. We can't take him on before this is complete, as we can't afford daycare out of pocket. We will need to apply for childcare subsidy from the provincial government, which we cannot do if his mother has legal custody.

However, I'm the only one with reservations. His dad is (of course) thrilled, my son is also thrilled (a built in playmate - there's no sibling rivalry at this point). My sister/roommate's response was, "I don't care, he's funny." Sometimes I wish I had a 'dangly' (as CannedAm said in her recent comment to my last post, the one that's over 2 months old - and my first ever comment, exciting and amazing as that is). If I wasn't a woman, all these concerns would vanish. Perhaps I need a wife of my own? ;)